Living between Realism and Idealism

November 2, 2009

[409] Lightnings and thunderstorms

I wonder if anyone knows or if anyone notices, I like being here, at times. Despite the sudden waves of homesickness occasionally, this distance gives me a sense of tranquillity.

Here, I am left to defend for myself. So I feel in control of everything, from those little things like managing the house chores, and managing people in any tasks, to big things like making sure I am on the right track to my bright future. I feel grown up and nothing else can stand in my way - even if there is, I can easily sweep them off with a trusty ol' broom.

I never liked having people telling me I am wrong, because I don't like to lose (including losing face). Instead, I would prefer if I were to discover my mistakes on my own because I like solitary learning. And one more thing, I don't like people telling me what to do, neither do I like telling others what to do. I can only have the elders whom I respect to give me orders.

Subconsciously, I have built my own comfort zone and shut myself in there, not wanting to change anything or even to budge. Getting out makes me feel threatened, and I might just lose the sense of security that I perpetually give myself.

I admit - I am a control freak. I like being in an arm's length to everything. To control is my nature, and letting myself to be controlled is a form of submission which not many could recognise. This is the way I have been for a long time, and it took me too much time to realise this.

When I sense that I am losing control, I will lose my composure and I cannot gather my thoughts. I feel helpless, and would just eventually end up quiet, just too quiet.

And that is when you see a hiatus here.

Life paced too quickly of late, and it is only these few days, everything has taken a breather and slowed down, giving me much room to pick up the pieces. Everything in my head is a huge mess and I no longer know how to sort it out.

And oh, this semester, I shut myself out of all the matters regarding the heart. I took everything lightly, not wanting to think so much. I don't want to build anything today when I know it will not sustain tomorrow.

If you think this update is not juicy enough, it's time for you to keep a lookout for me at Facebook - I frequently update there, through wall posts.

| music | Goodnight and Goodbye - Metro Station
| mood | awake

Filed under Daily Dose | 3 person vomitted

August 30, 2009

[408] Moonlighting the brain trickles down inspiration, finally!

by chenyeng2706 | 05:32 AM

Sorry for the hiatus. It has indeed been a long and quiet month here. And this quietness has somehow reflected my thoughts. I have had difficulties in wording myself these days and mind you, the feeling is very bad inside. To have something in mind, but not being able to string it up properly in sentences is even worse than not being able to speak. To speak is a mindless act, to write is an art of its own.

This semester's pace is picking up rather quickly and I am trying very hard not to faint in the attempt of keeping up with it. Nothing is different, not the workload, neither it is the people. Perhaps it is just me, trying too hard this time. But I am not trying too hard to impress, neither am I trying too hard to survive. So what exactly is different?

I think I am getting confused of myself.

In the beginning of the semester, there was a talk held for us third-years regarding ways to strengthen our soft skills. It would have been a much enjoyable talk if it was held on a weekday instead of a Sunday.

So, all of had to drag our sleepyheads to the campus and sit through the 8-hour talk. We spent our time texting people, chattering away, some even dozed off with their heads bopping to and fro. After the eight excruciating hours, we were dismissed. When I got home, I wanted to practise the hiragana writing, and so I tried to dig out my mechanical pencil and also an eraser. What I discovered was that my mechanical pencil was nowhere to be found.

My Pilot Shaker-X [picture] was once again lost.

I lost my first one during my first year first semester, and it was in Room FPT5. I vaguely remembered that I left it on the chair. And I would have probably rushed out of class after we were dismissed because I had to make it in time to the bus stand for the last shuttle bus back to college. The next day, when I went back to look for it, my shaker was gone. Someone must have conveniently taken it back home. I was left devastated for a week plus till I went back to Ipoh and the brother bought me a new one, yay!

And imagine the (even greater) devastation I felt when I lost it the second time. I was unhappy, down, moody, disappointed, frustrated, ill-tempered, yadda, yadda. Everyone knew that something was wrong with me because my emotions were apparent enough on my face.

Friends offered to help me look for the precious shaker of mine the day after. But I was not very hopeful in getting it back because losing something in UTHM is equivalent to sending something off to a point of no return. Le sigh.

The next day, from mid-day to evening, I received texts from friends saying that my shaker was not found. My little ray of sunlight was immediately snatched away from me, and I was left in the dark for the rest of the day. A friend told me that he would come over to find me in my house later at night because he said he wanted to console me. He also said that I would be much happier after seeing him, he guaranteed me of it.

At first, I declined because I was in no mood in entertaining people at that time. But his insistence won over my reluctance. So, heck.

When he came, he stood at the front door, looking at me with his right hand in his pocket. And then he asked, "Are you still unhappy? Don't worry, I am sure that you will be happy to see me." I replied, "Why is that so? Do you have any magical powers to make me happy?"

He then said, "Nope. But I am nice enough (he took his hand out of the pocket and hands me a Shaker-X) to buy you a new one."

With a very surprised face and a gaping mouth to boot, "You bought me a new one?? That's impossible, I did not even tell you what it looks like in detail!"

After flipping and turning the shaker over and over again, "This is not a new shaker, this is my shaker!"

I was very sure because I dropped my shaker once, tip-first onto the floor, and it's slightly dented at the tip. Then I asked in an elevated voice, "Where did you find it??"

"I was lucky lar. It just appeared right in front of me."

"Serious lar, please?"

"Okay okay. I searched the hall first. But then there was no mechanical pencils lying around except for pens and papers. I walked around the whole hall, but I found nothing. So I was about to give up, till I saw some cleaning ladies outside the hall. I approached them and asked if they have seen any mechanical pencils while sweeping the floor in the hall. One of the ladies said that she saw something which might look like a pencil but she said it resembles more of a pen."

"Then? What happened to it?"

"She said she swept it along with other trash and thrown it into a rubbish bin."

"OMG. And?"

"Then I asked her which rubbish bin and I ransacked that bin lar. And that's where I found the pencil. I didn't know what it looked like, but that mechanical pencil I saw (points at my shaker) looked precious enough. So I just picked it up."

"You went through a rubbish bin for my shaker?"

"Yeahh. Otherwise, how would I be able to come up with one shaker which can replicate your shaker?"

*dumbstruck*

You tell me how I felt after hearing that from him.

He added, "Oh yea, I have not washed it since I took it out from the rubbish bin. I think you better wash it before using it lar."

Okay, perhaps it is not something impressive for some of you, but to me, not many people are willing enough to get their hands dirty for me. So, to friend, I just wanted to say that I am really grateful for having you to go to great lengths for me. I am not a very expressive person (actually), but do know that I appreciate it very much, and I promise not to be so careless and lose it again because I know that I will not be as lucky next time.

These days, I have been looking forward to my mornings. Not exactly in the waking-up part, but in meeting people. Perhaps this is why I have not been skipping morning lectures as frequent as the last few semesters. I feel that I have things to look forward to every day. I wonder what could be it?

I have been an avid gossip-monger, and it has even worsened lately. Every thing and every one interests me. But nobody can blame me for having the curiousity of a cat and also astounding observation skills, okay?

Onto better news, I am gradually losing weight. And I do not practise dieting because I always believe that the sole motivation of my still-functioning brain is by fulfilling my gastronomic desires (not just needs). I have had plentiful badminton feats and new in this semester, multiple rounds in basketball and volleyball. I hope to lose more by the next CNY.

Do look forward to my next entry. Comments, please? I miss my readers!

| music | Come On Get Higher - Matt Nathanson
| mood | blah

Filed under Daily Dose | 8 person vomitted

July 1, 2009

[406] Love. Hugs. Kisses

by chenyeng2706 | 04:44 AM

Two years.

My bestie went off to Aussieland, to dwelve further into something which has been her passion, for two (whole) years already. Not that she doesn't come home, but I miss her when I get nostalgic.

From Dudey

Dudey, do you remember this text message?

I am still keeping it. Just so you'd know, you're always in my mind. And I am always going to be there for you as how you are always here for me.

Happy Second-Year in Aussieland!

Hope that you would still love Malaysia the same.

| mood | awake

Filed under Daily Dose | 2 person vomitted

June 23, 2009

[405] Living on past glory?

by chenyeng2706 | 03:09 AM

The year was 2005. And we were the accidental debate team. We were in it for the fun. Thank the angels for the Foo. We wouldn't have survived it without her egging on us, brainstorming us.

Debate with a difference

(undated newspaper clipping)

Upclose

the foo.shankar.cygoh.anita.avinesh

We have been through a lot as a close-knitted group of friends in a short period of time. That has indeed brought us closer - way more than what we had acknowledged. Amateurs turned champions.

The Foo has taught me so much during those gruelling times. She had taught me all that there is to learn about talking with a thinking brain. And I came out of the debate with a better brain. Thank you, Miss Foo.

avinesh.cygoh.shankar

Anita. You're being missed here. The three of us hoped that you were here when the picture was taken. (=

Signs that you have abused your mouse:
(i) You need to click three times on the mouse to double-click an icon;
(ii) The mouse has confused itself and gets disorientated, resulting your left-clicks into
right-clicks, and vice versa;
(iii) You can see wear on your mouse.

My Overworked Genius Mouse

Poor mouse. You've got an abusive owner. Call Tele-Dera.

| mood | blank

Filed under Daily Dose | 1 person vomitted

June 22, 2009

[404] BBQ.WTF.SMS

by chenyeng2706 | 03:53 AM

After being in recluse for a good period of time, I finally got out of the house to meet good, old friends for a barbeque party at Avinesh's place yesterday. The word recluse that I am using would gravitate me being M.I.A. at almost all outings and gatherings. It was supposedly arranged to be on the 27th of June at PhooiYee's place. But something happened, and Avinesh had to play host instead.

I'm here extending heartfelt gratitude to him for picking me up and sending me home, arriving as the earliest guest and left as the last few ones.

Honestly speaking, after not seeing these friends for a long time, there were moments where I could sense awkward silences, imagine crickets, and it did make me feel distant. I no longer know how to say hello. The friendliness felt seemed superficial and customary. Then it popped into my mind, "Geez. Tonight will be a long, heck of a night."

Personally, I don't think of myself as that much of an extrovert. But I cannot survive alone, this is for sure. I need comfortable companionship - wherever I go.

After the first few rounds of food ..

As more and more friends arrived and hyped up the place, I have had a very brief moment of isolation. And at that moment, a tinge of regret is slowly radiating from within, eating me up inside. Regret - for being there, but not being in there.

But these amazing friends I have, the ones that have been with me when I went through my awkward teenagehood, the ones that grew up with me, and the ones who would still see me as a friend through the years of not unavailable - they made me realised that I am still a part of them, and that I am a friend who mattered and still do.

Scratch the awkwardness. Scratch the regret. Nobody had even changed a wee bit since the last I remembered them. The only thing that is different - everyone has definitely graduated from their awkward teenagehood.

The people who came for this BBQ gathering were inadvertently segregated into two groups. The MGS group and the non-MGS group. Us, ex-MGSians, were the ones who hogged the front porch, gossiping, hollering and shaking up Buntong the whole night, whereas the others, were banished to the barbeque pit at a small corner of the house. Sorry!

Food was bountiful. And the crowd was great.

Before I continue this monologue, I would like to send loves to Gel for being the one who marinated the chicken wings, skewered the chicken wings and helped clean-up the things while we were busy chattering away. Sorry that I couldn't sit down and have a decent one-on-one update over Bacardi with you - instead, you had to have it alone while standing at the door, overlooking the front porch, observing us monkeying around.

The girls were immersed in juicy gossips and updates about everyone who was anyone in our network. And after years of not speaking in the same, comfortable lingo which was mutually understood by everyone in MGS - guess what? We never did lose touch! We were talking in a codified manner at one point, and another minute, we were shouting like hooligans. There will never be a reason as to why we behave like that - we have been like this since we set foot in MGS. Other people might be disconcerted, but who cares?

Surprise Birthday Cake!

Further into the night, the June babies were presented with a pleasant surprise, which I wasn't really expecting. Drop-dead honest lor!

Gel brought a cake out of the house, got everyone else to sing "Happy Birthday" harmoniously and for a split second I asked myself, "Whose birthday is it today?"

*smacks forehead* Since I don't know anything about this, probably it's for me! *inner child jumps in joy* Then I saw a few others with equally blank faces. Ahh, the June babies!

June babies with The Cake

*Sorry PooiYeng. This is the only picture I have which involves all four of us with the cake*

Cake-Cutting Ceremony

*FooYine, what were you looking at? Got eye-candy meh?*

Uniform presents~

*And we have presents - such a memorable memento! All four of us have the same present!*

The June Babies with their New-Loves

| pooiyeng.2506 | phooiyee.2706 | cy.2706 | fooyine.2906 |

Here's a closer view of what we've gotten from them ...

Mooo ~

To those who had taken the effort in making this gathering a success, I do not know how to express my appreciation and happiness, it is just so overwhelming. Each and everyone who was there - you guys made my day. The little surprise celebration was indeed the finishing touch, a cherry, to complete the cake. I am still at a blur as to who was in-charge of what just to make everything a success for the night.

Thank you for making me feel so happy and loved that night!

Compulsory Group Picture

[BBQ Party pictures, courtesy of Ah9/Crystal.]

People started bidding goodbyes after the birthday celebration ended. The crowd subsided. And what's left of the crowd shifted into the living room. Some of the guys started cleaning the front porch soon after.

After cleaning up was done, Avinesh took out the Bacardi and the small group of MGSians and ACSians chatted up random things. About half an hour later, more of them went back, leaving me, FooYine, Shankar, KyEan and Avinesh.

The host was famished at that moment. So we went into the kitchen, rummaging through the uncooked leftovers of the BBQ. We cooked some halved sausages and ate them with chilli/tomato sauce + mayonaise and downed it with even more Bacardi. KyEan was sitting there, hoping that we could empty the bottle quickly enough because he wanted to keep the bottle. Since we were sipping the drink moderately slow, he couldn't stand waiting for us, and he left.

The four of us remained, me, FooYine, Shankar and Avinesh, sitting at the dining table with me picking over the bits and pieces of the sausages, talking about almost anything and everything we could come up with.

It was already about 4.00 am when we started cleaning up the little mess we made in the kitchen. The night ended with Shankar driving back to his place all the way at Klebang, and Avinesh sending me and FooYine back to our places respectively.

When I reached home, it was already 4.20 am, and my brother was waiting for me. Aww, so sweet of him!

After I had bathed and dried my hair, and getting ready to crawl in bed, it was close to 5.00 am. My body was absolutely dead-out, but my eyes, my mind - I was very much awake. As I was attempting to talk myself to sleep, I heard the alarm clock go off in my parents' room. Odd, why would the alarm go off on a Sunday?

Moments later, Lingzilla's alarm began its ridiculous drill of nuisance as well. Then it struck me. It's the bloody Starwalk, alright.

During the time when I heard Lingzilla having her morning shower and my parents talking in their room, I was contemplating on whether to go for breakfast with them. The next thing I realised, I dozed off during the contemplation. Great.

So, if my basic estimation skill is not rusty, I might have fell asleep subconsciously at about 5.30 am. And during holidays, I would require a standard eight-hour sleep. Give or take, I should be waking up at 1.30 pm, at most 2.00 pm. To have hopes that Lingzilla would understand the gravity of frustration that she put me through yesterday, and to have learnt to never devoid me of sleep - the mere mention of her name is already spelling out disappointment effortlessly.

Wake-Up Call

She called me at 10.34 am - I was only 5 hours into my sleep. It has been quite a while that both my phones are in silent mode and I am very sensitive to the vibration of the phone. And I could tell which one was the vibrating one as well. Anyway, back to Lingzilla. I could have pictured me strangulating her when I saw the caller ID.

Don't ask me what/why she called me for. All I could summarise is that, she was born perfect, the limbs and all - except that her common sense was (glaringly) missing. Obviously if you can't reach both of your parents' phones, try the house phone! You very well know that once we get indoors, our phones will be close to dead. Our house is the blind spot of the telco network coverage.

Conclusion: (i) Switch off the phones before sleeping; (ii) Kill Lingzilla.

I have been texting quite too often these days. Probably because I have started using DiGi Prepaid iLike - the SMS Plan. Yes, I have finally forgo the Fu-Yoh Plan.

And because of this newfound hobby, the corner of my right thumb is now sporting an area of callous, small one.

Callous #1

Taken two weeks ago

Callous #2

Taken today

Time to invest on a full QWERTY keypad phone. *grins*

Computerised voice in Tiberian Sun: "Insufficient funds"

So, I guess I will be stuck with a mound of callous for now.

| music | Kekasih Gelapku - Ungu
| mood | sleepy

Filed under Daily Dose | 3 person vomitted

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