Living between Realism and Idealism

Entries for December, 2008

December 3, 2008

[380] You're being helpful by not nosing into people's business, thank you.

I always believed that nine out of ten times, someone being helpful can sometimes be misinterpreted as being nosy, especially when the severity on an event escalates to a higher degree from what it appears to be before the helpful intervention. Why can't just some people drill this fact through their thick skull and live by that? I am very sure that I am not the only one who knows about this.

The situation's like this.

C and Y used to be an icon in our first semester. All of us, me, Y, P, S and (more people), we are all good friends, and since there's a hook up between C and Y, so definitely C became our good friend as well. The main players in this situation is just me, C, Y, P and S. So let's start to drift from here.

Due to some unresolved issues, C and Y broke up. Since when problems don't occur after break-ups right? And C happens to be the loyal one, so he has always been sticking around to Y, hoping for a reconciliation. Now, the break-up wasn't anybody's fault. Both of them happens to be victims of circumstances, hence the break-up. Nobody can blame the guy for holding onto the relationship. Me, P and S has always been observing the ongoings between them, and just hoped that things don't get ugly. Not to mention the calls that I have received from C when he broke down, and all pent up with frustration.

One thing I get irritated with Y is when she acts as if all things are good and still get along like good ol' friends with C. We all know very well that this will mislead C into thinking that there's hope to spark up some old flame. I would not call it being flirtatious and all, because I damn well know that she is not capable of any forms of flirting. I just wanted her to see that invisible line between herself and C and hoping that she doesn't cross it for whatever reason in the world.

As bystanders, we have no control over the two person who are directly involved in the relationship. Heck, they reconciled in the second semester. The funny thing is that neither one of them mentioned about being back together again, not to us, not to each other either. It's the actions that the two of them displayed in front of us that has led us to deduce that something has been going on between the two of them. But it didn't last long. Since there were no questioning towards each other if they are indeed back on being a couple, things get carried away, and they were happy in their own intended ignorance. Picture begins to get ugly when C finally pluck up the courage to ask Y, "What am I to you?". Y being oblivious to the gravity of the question just gave the reply, "My very good friend". The second break-up left the guy all battered.

C was being more and more of a good friend to us and we just don't like the things going on between the two of them. But for me, I wouldn't want to stick my nose into anything or offer any unwanted advices, so I really played my part as the good-friend-with-listening-ears-cum-bystander very well. The two of them being in talking terms or otherwise is really important to me, it is not that it will put the world to its end, but the thing is, I travel to and fro Ipoh to UTHM with them. Unfortunately, I will eventually become the mediator between the two of them.

Even though I hate being the ever-luminous light bulb between a pair of lovebirds, I double-triple-quadruple hate it when I am stuck between two each-other-haters. People just love to torment me with their ever-changing waves of emotions.

So my policy is, whatever happens between C and Y, please, please, please, don't make me the ham and sandwich me into your problems.

This semester, C and Y remained as friends, nothing much going on, besides the occasional events that makes me notice that C is trying to find his way back towards Y. It irks me, because I don't want him to go through the whole battered-down process again, but you wouldn't want me to approach him, smack him in the head, and go all mother-tone and say "Eh, can you stop being a sor zai?!" Who am I to say that, right?

What perked up the whole droning process is when I realised that Y has (once again) got down from the singleton horse. I started a hushed discussion with the rest of the gang and we concluded that Y is indeed attached, if not, being pursued. I inadvertently also started hinting to Y that I know something that she might not know that I had realised. And eventually, she did come clean with me, and she is attached to a new guy, just a couple of weeks ago, and they have gone through quite a period time in courtship.

Then I started jogging the fact that, who is going to break the news of C? I concluded that no one has the right to expose this news to C because we all knew very well that C is still holding on and if anyone of us (but Y) were to tell C, obviously C will end up very much unhappy and subsequently, not wanting to speak to Y anymore.

That I can foresee very well because the ignorance that Y has over C's emotion is quite surprising. Y seriously thought that C has gotten over her, and it is okay being all good ol' friends with him again - which, yea, got C to misunderstand things, and thinking there's still hope between the two of them.

Obviously, Y has to be the one who should break the news to C, at least Y still has the chance to ask if there were to be any essence of friendship left between the two of them. If C were to say Yes, then there wouldn't be any awkward moments between the two of them in the future. By awkward moments, I meant events when they accidentally bumped into each other and still can say "Hi", or even when hanging out as a group, the two of them will find it okay being in each other's companionship. I just don't want C to find unnecessary reasons to avoid meeting Y or talking to Y directly or otherwise.

Things have been going well, and of course, all of us hoped that Y will tell C about her current change in status eventually. But something just has to go wrong when everything's going right, no?

S told C everything during an IM conversation a couple of days ago, consequently, having the truth beat up C.

BodohBodohBodohBodohBodohBodoh

I seriously don't understand why some people just don't get the gravity of the whole situation. If you can't foresee things, don't fcking screw things up today. You will just cause a great mess for others to clear up.

Now C doesn't want to go back to UTHM in the same bus as Y. At first, Y had other means to go back to BP. So, this time around, only C and me will be commuting in the same bus. Y suddenly tells me that she wants to go back with us. After consulting C (he's buying the tickets), C said that he'd rather take another bus back, and giving up his bus seat to Y. Then I have to be the person who should tell Y that if she really wants to go back with me&co, she has to confirm with me sooner, and she doesn't have to buy the bus ticket. But when she questions "Why not?", I have no other options but to say "I don't know. I'm not the one who is buying the tickets. But C just said that there's a seat available if you want to take this bus".

C is really counting on me to not allow any opportunity of him meeting her. Y doesn't understand why the standby bus ticket is there. S is being annoyingly apologetic. And me? I couldn't spell frustration in any better way than this.

| music | Love is Noise - The Verve
| mood | annoyed

Filed under Daily Dose | 6 person vomitted

December 22, 2008

[381] Grandpa, I'm ready to say goodbye now.

by chenyeng2706 | 10:48 PM

Three weeks ago, I wrote an entry, saying that I was budding out of dormancy. But obviously, I had inevitably slipped back into dormancy.

The passing of the grandpa was not a sudden one, neither was it an expected one. Everyone clung onto sheer faith, grasping for every intangible bit of hope to see grandpa being able to regain back his strength to sit up and talk to us like how he used to be before he sustained the leg injuries.

He used to be fit and healthy, he could walk from Point A to B, slow but steadily. He fell down one day, some time back in 2006, and he had crack in his skull. Nothing major, he had some stitches and he was okay. Between that time till this year's mid-June, he had a couple of falls, which all involves his legs. It was weak, and he couldn't walk much. He always complained of great discomfort when anyone tries to prop him up to sit, or just merely moving him. He underwent a surgery in Ipoh's Pantai Putri Hospital, whereby the doctors there used multiple screws to hold up the fractured femur internally, and hopefully, supporting the bone as it mends naturally on its own.

Shortly after the surgery, not only that his leg situation did not improve for the better, it started swelling and cleaning pus from the surgical wounds was an everyday routine. My uncle did bring grandpa for his post-op checkups, and the doctor claimed that the pus was a normal reaction and the leg was healing alright. Everybody reluctantly dismissed the fact that grandpa's leg was not getting any better.

His leg condition worsened and the adults decided to refer grandpa to another doctor in General Hospital. They ran tests, check-ups, x-rays, yadda yadda. To cut the story short, the screws in his legs were not doing the job which they are supposed to. One of the screws was even dislodged, based on the x-rays.

Not to mention the period of time when the adults wanted to transfer grandpa to another hospital, the uncle asked the doctor in-charge of grandpa to write a referring letter. The doctor was very apathetic in the condition of grandpa's leg which was worsening, we have yet to account for his negligience in the infected surgical wound with a dislodged screw, and he had the decency to charge my uncle a sum of money for the letter he signed to refer my grandpa to another hospital! He talks his sense as if the problem lies on our part and not his. What sort of doctor is this?

We did not even point him right on the face regarding anything and he, himself, starts blabbing out his cock and bull. Okay-lah, I wasn't there in person. But you geddit, right?

In GH, grandpa had to undergo another surgery which involves removing all the screws (which were the cause of the pus) and the doctor attending to grandpa then installed external fixators to immobilise the broken bone and allowing it room to mend. The fixators stretched from the fractured right femur, to the tibia - which I believe was intended for support.

It definitely looks painful - the aftermath of the surgery.

This thing had kept him bedridden for so long. According to grandma, grandpa had a very low threshold for pain. So whenever people try to make him sit up, he would eventually refused to sit up because he said it was of great discomfort. Grandma was the person tending to his daily needs, keeping him clean, making him comfortable, cleaning and re-doing his dressing on the surgical wounds. She takes great effort in feeding him while taking extra precaution in case he doesn't choke, then she takes a clean cloth to cleanse his mouth from food residue, gave him his tea. Every morning, she gives him his bed-bath and every once in a while, shaves him.

Since grandpa was lying on his back most of the time, bed sores came to be a problem - on his sacrum, his scapulas (shoulder blades), and a few more scattered. His elbows and heels became more and more tender because there were barely any flesh there.

I wasn't at home most of the time. I was the idiot who chose to study in Batu Pahat. Bah. It aches me so badly to come back and visit him during my very-rare-breaks and see him getting weaker and weaker. During the time when speech was very limited from him, I was in Ipoh for a short break, in early-November. It was the finals season then, I had a 12-day break between my first two papers and the last three papers. I did not return home during the study week. Something gave me a hunch that I need to go home to see everyone.

I starve myself for a few days so that I could pay for my bus fare. People don't understand why I did that and why would I bear a 6-7 hours of bus ride to Ipoh just for a 12-day break. The commuting is taxing, yes. But being at home with everyone, nothing beats this.

Whenever I was back in Ipoh during the period grandpa was bedridden, I would try to find reasons not to visit him, or perhaps, even if I'm there, I would sit outside my grandparents' room, lounging at the dining hall or the living room. It was not that I don't have any filial peity or that I am such a heartless person. I grew up with a grandfather who plays such a pertinent role in my life. He was such a strict man, scolding his grandkids for their wrongdoings, but nevertheless, shows such great love and care to us through his actions. When me and my sister was way younger, he could still drive and he whenever he wanted to go out somewhere with grandma, he would bring us along and give us ice-cream treats eventhough grandma forbids. This part of his life where he took us out for treats, only me and my sister shared it with him. The other cousins were considered to be born a generation after us so they didn't get to see that side of grandpa. He was a traditionalist and a very conservative man. So the way he acted in the house then reflected his personality in a very obvious manner.

How could you expect me to see the man I used to look up to, admire and awe, to be bedridden and weak? I feel helpless and useless altogether for being unable to do anything for him to make him feel any better. Tears could practically squeeze out on its own from my tear glands. I just could not look at him and see him the way he is. The times when I had to help out grandma while trying to clean grandpa's body or to clean and dress up his bed sores, all I could do is just chant silently in my heart and not to break down in front of grandma and my Mum.

After the cleaning routine, grandma cooks his (then) everyday meal which consists of oats, cooked with some fish fillets and leafy vegetables. The quantity he consumes was just about two thirds of my coffee mug. After he had eaten, grandma cleaned his mouth with a hankerchief again, gave him water. And it was time for me and Mum to go home and say goodbye. Mum told grandpa that I was only back for a brief period this time and I still have some papers to sit for when I go back. He muttered, "Then study hard and do your best".

That was the last spoken words that he said to me.

When I got back home after my finals and after the week-long trip from Ipoh to Taiping, he was already showing signs of deterioration. He had difficulty in breathing due to the phlegm caused by his cough, which was then diagnosed as pneumonia, he could not swallow which had gotten grandma is such great worry. He went from part-liquid-part-solid diet to a fully-liquid diet. The bed sores never did improve, instead, the flesh at the sores were either bare and red, or it was just black and dried up. His right leg was double the size of the left, which was due to the swelling. Nobody knew what was wrong with the leg and why the swelling would not subside.

There were numerous occasions where grandma would call Mum some time close to midnight and tell my Mum to go over. We would be there within minutes, and grandma was so worried, so afraid, not knowing what else she could do to grandpa. There was one day grandpa didn't eat at all and all he had was just water. Grandma called us over and she was in tears, fearful for grandpa's well-being. Mum always asked her, "What are you afraid of?" and she just shook her head. Mum was always in the verge of breaking down when she sees that grandpa's condition did not improve. But she had to hold her head up high and be grandma's pillar of strength whenever she needed it. And I am Mum's support system. So is Lingzilla.

The adults decided that grandpa needed a more thorough medical attention and so the uncle went and consulted the doctor and a lot things happened, yadda yadda, an ambulance was called over, grandpa was then admitted.

His condition improved a little, then it dropped, improved again. I just cannot go into details of things here. Just assume that words have eventually failed me. Suffice to say, he was slowly slipping away by the day. But I really applaud the doctors, interns and nurses there because they were there seeing to grandpa's needs every minute.

I could have made the choice and be there in the hospital when grandpa breathed his last. But I could not bring myself there. I just cannot face the situation. The feeling is ultimately unbearable. I received an SMS from Mum at GH around 0005 on the 9th of December, saying that grandpa has just left us.

The house has never been so quiet.

The last time I saw grandpa sitting upright, talking to us, was during Mothers' Day 2008. Mum gave grandma a blouse as a Mothers' Day present and they had some pictures taken on that day with my lousy phone. Everyone was so happy that day - the colours in the pictures were indeed beautiful, everyone was smiling broadly, even grandpa was spotted smiling with his teeth all showing which was very rare in pictures. I told Dad to print them out because I wanted grandma to keep a copy of those pictures. We did hand them a copy, and grandma was so happy to have them. She placed in her room, at her calendar, which was visible to everyone's eyes.

What broke my heart was, one of those picture with grandpa in it was cropped and is then used to be placed at grandpa's alter for his funeral. That was one of the harshest blows to me.

The whole funeral procession was not easy for me, not easy for any of us. To bid goodbye to someone whom you dearly loved in your lifetime is not that simple. I thought I was one of the eldest in the cousinhood there, and I shouldn't be the one getting teary-eyed most of the time. But I was wrong, very wrong. I never knew my grandpa grew so much on me, and he still does.

My grandpa, such a great man. From what I see, his passing didn't cause much problems or troubles to us. He had his way in making sure that everyone can be there for his last send-off. Everyone was there with him when he passed on and most importantly, he's free from mortal sufferings now. Yes, he is dearly missed, and it is not easy for grandma to go through each day without his presence, it is not that smooth sailing for all of us. But he lives in us, in our memory.

Yes, after so many days, I am finally ready. Goodbye, grandpa. I will miss you always.

| mood | sad

Filed under Daily Dose | 5 person vomitted

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