Living between Realism and Idealism

November 19, 2009

Bandaged up

I was scaring a number of people at the exam hall today. It was fun while it lasted.

So yes, it's true. I am allergic to Dettol, and probably all other antiseptic stuff. Should've known from my operation a couple of years back when I was allergic to the dressing over my stitches.

Apparently, applying Dettol cream aggravated the burn and made my wound a lot worse. So yup, my arm is now all bandaged up. I think it hurts more now than before I had it bandaged. I had dunno-what-cream oozing out from the edges of the bandage during my exam. And I never knew how hard it was to write when you can't move your wrist. I'm now typing like how I was taught to play the piano properly (staccato excepted). Without moving the wrists. I also have to keep it away from getting wet and go back to change the dressing tomorrow.

It was a chore explaining to the 101 reefers before and after the exam though. It became shorter and shorter until I simply said I had a bad burn and am allergic to Dettol. HAHA. Also, I can't drink cos it could make the rash flare up. What a way to celebrate the end of my exams. My last ever exam paper probably. I went to 2nd degree for awhile, but I didn't stay long. I felt a bit sad that I may not see many of them ever again. But I love hugs, and I got plenty today. Ish also left for home today. So sad. It's back to no one eating my prawn heads again. =( He said "see you in brunei when you visit your bf!" Haha. Yeah, I will.

Since I can't really take part in any celebratory outings, I'm just meeting Ozzie and Sal at Indro for dinner and just to walk around. I also pulled out from my very own birthday celebration at Wet n' Wild/Gold Coast (how pathetic). Funny how things work, hey? The only year after so long when I can finally celebrate my birthday with friends, and I'm just fated not to. Itzokayh. At least I've got a pizza dinner tomorrow, and shopping at DFO before I leave. I guess I'll have more time to stay home to clean and pack up!

Oh, what to do with my Smirnoff now?

I didn't even mention how my exam went! To the people who teased me for being such an undergraduate by doing past year questions, I'm so so soooo glad I did them. Cos it was pretty much a combination of 2007 and 2008 paper. Although Sophie's biology section was just "HEH?". Her hint for one of the questions was: "Fishermen are not photosynthetic". How weird! Anyway, what's wrong with being an undergrad? Why must you discriminate and look down on undergrads?

feeling sick?

November 18, 2009

2323

by khian | 11:11 PM

The one-week worth of "study break" was obviously not fully-utilized otherwise, I would not be struggling to complete my International Business text book now. My final paper for this subject is due tomorrow at 2.30pm, with only less than 18 hours in counting, would I be able to finish this book? I have not been sleazing in fact, I did read a few chapters when I was down in KL but sadly, with this bad memory of mine, and such low capacity I have, I can only shamefully admit that I have to re-read everything again!

Reinforced Concrete paper today. No words can describe how I feel, really. Was it tough? I wouldn't say so. In fact, it should be one of my upper hand this semester, but you screw your life when you are not focused. That's all I can say. Classes have been skipped, paper already taken. There's no point to being regretful. Just felt slightly irritated. I'm sure the outcome would have been different, if I were to be given more time. Alas, more time means more time to be wasted. Sigh. Humans, we ought to learn to be more contented.

I am blabbering. In need of a friend to talk to. It's hard to connect these days. In dire of human attention.

Looking all sweaty, because we were near the BBQ pit. Her mode of house-warming was to have a BBQ party. Well, her sister, and a few kids were simply excited with the idea. I can't remember the last time I attended a BBQ party, and seeing that I missed the recent one at Avinesh's, this is an open-hint for you guys to organize ANOTHER BBQ party and this time, I should be around! From what I gathered, this year could be the last year which everyone would be heading back the same time. Otherwise, it's graduation/convocation next year, and for all you may know, I might not even be in Malaysia! Well, slight exxageration, but who knows? Better not take the risk, eh?

I have so much to read, and here I am. Can someone tell me what's important, and what's not? I have this silly tendency to chew and gnawl on the book now.

The tomato-faced me you see, it's me, after 3 cans of beer. I get this blush very easily, and please, I wasn't drunk. People tend to misunderstand the tomato-face as being drunk already. PLease! I know when to stop if I need to. And the rest of the people you see in the picture, are her friends who came for the house-warming. Funny, entertaining friends, I would say. At times I would wonder why it's so difficult for us to get along. Is it because of the discrimination? Or is it just me being overly-sensitive?

I'm having blurry vision now. And now, back to my book, before I black out. I don't have time to black out tonight. Let me tell you what I'm reading at the moment..

"Developing effective pricing policies is a critical deter...zzzZZZZZZZZZZZ"

2 person vomitted

November 18, 2009

Shine; Love

by monitorlizzie | 05:23 PM

I should be Linus.

Instead, I'm worrying about everything under the sun at the moment. Gone were the days when post-exams means hanging out with friends and fun. I foresee a gloomy next sem if Shim doesn't make it here.

Onto happier stuff, the bottom of the Christmas tree is getting more and more colourful and cluttered by the day. That makes me happy, although I probably just have ONE present. Haha. I love lights and anything that glows. And having Trinity tell me she wants to get me a present although I said she doesn't have to makes me smile. She doesn't think I'm a small kid anymore (took her like 10 months to realise that?) but instead calls me a teenager. AHAHA. Slowly but surely.

Since the whole Alexi Murdoch song only consists of 2 words - Shine and Love, that's the title.

| music | 12 - Alexi Murdoch

feeling sick?

November 18, 2009

2322

by khian | 01:38 PM

Look what I found........

- Trip to Genting, 2007.

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November 17, 2009

Finding myself again

by monitorlizzie | 09:52 PM

Hello. It's been awhile.

Tonight I got a call from a bunch of friends, might or might not have been a drunk dial. But oh my gosh, they made me feel so bad, right to the core. A number of my friends are leaving for good, and tonight was supposed to be a farewell thingy for them. Problem is, while everyone has been off uni-duties for about a week now, I've yet to sit for my only paper, which is on Thursday. Tonight's bad storm is just another indicative sign that I should not be out bar-hopping merely a day plus before my 55%-worth paper.

I know I shouldn't be taking this so seriously, but there were just a couple of things that sounded as if they could see right through me. Reverse psychology and talks about "think it through, ask yourself if you're doing the right thing and make the right decision" made me wonder what I'm really doing. Do not make fun of my studying for exams and doing past year papers as "such an undergrad thing" though. Even after how I achieved realisation of what I've become, I still said I can't go out. Meh.

From taht call, I did realise that maybe I'm not quite myself. I probably haven't been recently. I'm usually the kind who'd have fun, but although I had 2 weeks to study, I've been saying no to outings and stuff for that long, and the 2-3 weeks before that when I still had my major assignments. I haven't been out on the usual weekend outings for more than a fortnight. The last time I was at a bar or the last time I watched my favourite Brissy live band was when Sal just got back after her Raya break. It's been THAT long.

Throughout the years, high school, college and uni, right smack in the middle of my exams, and I'd still drag someone out for a movie and stuff. I'd always thought taking a break off work for a few hours was fine and would do me more good than staying cooped indoors. So whatever happened this semester? My close friends are leaving for good, and all I want to do is stay indoors. Alone. I think I'm becoming a stingy recluse. And I don't think it's that temporary. Plus, I admit I'm quite bummed that I may not to keep my GPA and get that uni award I got last sem. It's no biggie, but I do get quite disappointed knowing this sem will probably pull my GPA down a bit even though its a bio-based semester, which is meant to be my forte. I hate competition. But without that I wouldn't bother trying so hard in UQ, would I? Especially since I already have a GPA score I didn't expect from last sem. The competitive streak in me keeps telling me I must maintain my grades.

I'm not exactly losing my mind staying home. That's new. I actually enjoy being home, on my bed, with the laptop on my brekkie table, only leaving the room for the bare essentials and to watch the simpsons.

And I must admit I haven't been publicly blogging for some time because I'm comfy being a hermit. I've had on and off bouts of minor-depression from studying, my burns, possible infections (which scarily look like ringworm now), other long-term health problems, stupid doctors, not getting an doctor's appointment till end of nov, after-exam-party invites, my birthday plan for wet n' wild and gold coast which I might just have to cancel, and all the planning about trips and all when I'm back.

I think I've been drowing myself with work, work-outs, and just being in my rather-comfy room that I haven't realised that all the jacaranda and flowers are gone, and all the little stuff I'm so used to observing and finding joy in. I miss being truly happy, you know? I'm not exactly down in the dumps, but I do miss being genuinely smiley and happy. Right now, I'm just looking forward to the day I'm home. I can't wait to be myself again. I'm quite fed up of having work/study/money excuses for not going out, especially when the weather is currently so pleasant to be at the beach, barbies, picnics, watching the sunset on the citycat, riverside running, and everything I love. I guess it's a matter of finding myself again. I have to find what makes me happy. Am I going the right direction in life. Stuff like that. Me being pensive. Haha. Not sure if it's a normal thing.

I must say it's been good that I've been chanelling all these vented up energy through work-outs though. I've been doing push-ups, crunches, dips, lunges, running - all the usual stuff. I'm starting to get a bit of my arm muscles - biceps, triceps stuff again. Which is a good indication of how I'm back to my fitter self when I used to play tennis.

Also, music always helps. Thank you Queen. Thank you Beatles. Across the Universe always makes me feel grateful for everything I have and remind me that each and everyone of us is always loved.

And Jack's Mannequin too. Especially with songs like "Swim".

| music | Sunshine - The All-American Rejects

3 person vomitted

November 16, 2009

2321

by khian | 07:59 PM

People should learn how to give up being so discouraging, over and over again. 5 months ago, when it started, people came with their "wise" ideas, poisoning her mind, that such relationships are nothing, but mere mirages. A short-lived one, in fact. Nonsense about me not being able to provide, give whats and what-nots. I listened tentatively, agreed to some point, that I may not be able to provide certain things, yet at the same time, doubted that maybe, this relationship of such kind is indeed a mere mirage. We decided to ignore, give things a try, trying to prove the people out there, that we might be correct.
For 5 months now, I've learned enough. I am learning still. The ways to love properly. The ways to prove to the people out there, that there's really no point to hide behind the closet. I opened up. No more nonsense of being scared. No more nonsense of not owning up to who I am with. I changed. People around me saw the changes. I was happier. I am happier. I have not been so comfortable before until now.
I have friends and aquaintances around me who knew about my sexuality before. And now, it's more clearer than ever. One thing I've learned, that I need to stop taking into account of how people would view me. Too many opinions, too hard to please all of 'em. Thank goodness none come to me and say such horrendous things like, "You sure you can ah?" or "It'll not work at all.". Well, undeniable, some would try to steer me to the "right" path. Asking me straight to my face, "Your relationship can work meh?" or "You think 2 girls got future meh?" I would usually be polite by answering them nicely, with a smile.
Well, to be fair, I have my share of doubts as well. Being with a girl, is against the law, against the norm of nature, against the beliefs of my family. With all that said, such a path is difficult to take. And I'm one person who likes nothing, but going against all odds. And my boldest step was to bring her to the recently organized Prom Night. To an event where the crowd are 'straight'. To test the waters, taking a little off the limelight, giving her a chance to meet some of my friends.

I have a large group of supportive friends. They would sometimes drop a message, asking me to bring her along. They would love to meet her. And, I would hope that her friends would cut her some slack.
And to the guy who brain-lessly shared his point of views about me, please, I would love to prove you wrong.

6 person vomitted

November 16, 2009

2320

by khian | 12:34 PM

I am...
(so not used to being back here, in UTP, I mean.)

feeling sick?

November 14, 2009

Just another random entry...

by attribbidda | 11:33 PM

I really don't know why people like HIM still make me feel this way...

*wipes tears*

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